Team Heseltine - 6 Balls & None: Grief

Team Heseltine - 6 Balls & None: Grief: "Anonymous"

Look at ME!

Along with all my feelings one of them is Look at Me, I can do It!

I feel on top of the world!  I couldn’t ask for anything more these days and i’m so grateful for my family!

I haven’t had anything given to me and have seemed to take the tough road to learn lessons.  From a young age I made some decisions that made my life a little tougher but made me who I am.  When I went to my first doctors appt when i found out i was pregnant at the age of 15.  I was told I wasn’t going to graduate high school.  Really,  I graduate with a 4.0 and two scholarships.  What kind of doctor are you to judge?

I didn’t believe i could make it into nursing school….Look who’s done and made a career for her self….Little ol me who wasn’t going to graduate high school.

The many doubts that are put in your head.  People telling you that you won’t be able to make it on your own…..I think the words were  maybe you can afford an apartment and a car…..Look at me!  I bought my family a BRAND new house in a great area!  It’s a buyers market.  (I got $14,000 in grants and an interest rate of 3.875 fixed 30 years on a brand new home!)

The feeling of not finding the Love of your life is heart wrenching and being told you won’t find it adds the dagger.  I started to doubt Love was really out there.  I learned from past relationships and hoped I could be that old couple walking in the grocery store holding hands with my husband of 50 years.  Knowing what i wanted in a person and striving to not stop looking until i found it was my goal.  I wanted it for me and Sid

That’s right…..Love is out there and i wish everyone could have it!  I couldn’t ask for a better man to be by my side and help raise my beautiful child.  He truly is my best friend and I want to share everything with him.  He is the most adorable, intelligent, and loving man who understands me! 

Feelings, Music, Life….

Thoughts and feelings flow when i listen to music.

I started to work with a feeling of invisibility still.  Thinking to myself why do people keep telling me how lucky I am.  I had gone through some stages of depression, anger, and frustration during my time off and could now relate to some of the emotions my patients go through.  Even though i had some of those feelings I still felt that nothing bad would happen to me so why are people telling me these things. 

Reality really hit when i returned to work……I work with many spinal cord injuries.  I was getting report from the previous nurse when she tells me my patient is a C-4 that is now a quad…..HHHmmmm.  Tears came to my eyes realizing my injury was 2 vertebras higher.  As i talk to my co-workers through the day they all greet me with a welcome.  But my patient was a little more confused when I shared my story.  He asked why is my injury different?  I didn’t have the answers for him…..What a first day back!  The feelings i felt for him are unexplainable…..I could have been like that.  How could i be so naive to what my injury could have been…..

Two days later a different patient with a C-3 injury, quad.  Still not believing I chalked it up to well they are older and un healthy.  I’m still golden and i’m in a different category.  The thoughts still creep in my head of why me and not them but they are pushed to the side and excuses are made.

This week the feelings have hit me with a ton of bricks.  I had a young patient around my age with a similar fracture that’s now a quadriplegic.  WOW  I’m awake now!  You got my attention.  This is something I need to learn from.  I thank God for everything I have and I’m blessed with still being a fully functioning woman! I’m lucky as they all were saying!  You really shouldn’t take your body for granted.   

Last update on the neck

I was anxiously awaiting my appt which was about a week away. I decide to call and reschedule a week early so instead of 6 weeks it really was going to be 5….oops. The doctor got me in and looked at my x-rays. He measured looked and looked…took my brace off looked at my neck and said ok Ashley what is it…I just want to go back to work. He smiled and educated me on how he would allow a 2-3 cm gap in my fracture. So yes my fracture was still there. As i look at the fracture i see it very clearly. oooohh well i still want to be out of this neck brace and go to work. I can do it! I told myself. At this time I was about off my meds and taking them only when i had a busy day which was rarely that i was in so much pain i needed them. The doctor asked what he needed in his letter to release me. He asked if he could put restrictions, i said nope. We are good….didn’t give him a chance to tell what those would have been. The excitement was going through my body……I’m going to work woo woo. ok Ashley he turns to me. you can go back Monday after you start therapy….oh ok your right i can’t turn my neck! The story is….. I still have my fracture and he says it may never heal. (Another appt in 4 weeks) Huh…ok off i went. I started work Tuesday with a potential to work a few days. Those few days turned into 32 hours…ooops! Well I made it but I am taking more meds to help with work pain and therapy pain. My brace is off and I’m running full speed. Well it’s apparent my work is a physical job. My therapist is wanting to work on the largest knots he has seen in a while which are in my neck and back. He has informed that this little neck of mine works along side with my back and that’s why my back is in pain as well. I’ve now worked for about 2 1/2 weeks. I don’t believe I Ashley look forward to working everyday!

Slippers

Michael rarely leaves me alone due to the first while i needed 24 hour care but I'm up and at em so he has left me a few time for a half hour to hour. Last night he went to dinner with his daughter who he hasn't seen in a while so he was gone for about 4 hours. I was doing great spending a wonderful mother daughter night with Sid. We were just about to end the night with her brushing her teeth and giving Michael a good night call. She was brushing and I went down stairs to grab a water before bed. I some how managed to fall down 4-5 stairs and land on hard on my behind. Sidney comes running around the corner with fear of mom are you ok? I gathered my self and was able to get up. Sidney is the cutest thing! First thing she does, calls Michael to tell on me! He's trained her well. I was having some tingling but it went away a short while after. Today my a** bone hurts and my neck is a little sore but we are going strong still.
I am wanting to get back to a normal work schedule and get my body use to all the walking i do at work. So me and Michael went to the gym today and i walked a whole mile! LOL Things are starting to get better. I'm not constantly sleeping and I'm able to go all day with out any sorts of pill concoctions. At night is my usual pill dosage when i need something for sleep and pain. I've even stopped taking the second dose in the middle of the night. I feel things are starting to improve health wise. House and other things are a little different situation. Any who...
Michael has been a wreck since my fall and has called just about everyone to tattle on me! So the story is don't wear slippers going down the stairs!

Doctor Update

I went to the doctor last Wednesday and he told me some good news that i didn't really want to hear. I don't have to have surgery but i get to wear this great neck brace for another 6 weeks. My questions to him were all about when can i go to work and when am i all healed like a normal person. He did release me to light duty which i haven't heard from my employer yet but i wasn't injured on the job so they have no obligation to do light duty for me. He took my brace off to see if i could turn my neck and i was unable to do so because of fear and pain. We left the office with an exact 6 week appt. I was down, but Michael asked me what i thought he was going to tell me. I wasn't sure maybe that i was miraculously healed and i could take my brace off and go to work! He's right i should be thankful i don't have to have surgery and that i am walking, breathing and alive. I guess i can handle another 6 weeks at which point he told me we would either take my brace off completely or slowly remove it. He said i will definitely need physical therapy. I have babied one side of my neck and so my x-rays show my neck curved.
I have my times where i am annoyed to hear people say that's good you don't have to have surgery and are so joyful. These people have no idea what it is like to be in this brace. I went from supporting my family working 50-60 hours a weeks to someone who couldn't even shower or turn over by them selves. I am not one to ask for help nor am i to rely on someone. I know i should be grateful which i am, just frustrated at times.
The weeks are counting down and I'm loving the time with my family. So i'm not sure what else i will have to write on my neck injury since it's now just a waiting healing game for a bit. I will count with you all until April 29th.

Down Days

When you have been ill in some way and you have been thrown off the normal track of life for such a period of time a depression sets in. The last two days have been very rough for me. I can't even explain all the feelings I'm going through right now. I physically and emotional have hit bottom. I now know what my patients go through when they just break out into tears for any ol reason. There becomes a time when things start to become stagnant. Michael has done his best at keeping me occupied but for some reason the last two days all i have done is just slept or listened to music and cried. The independence i once had and was very proud of has all gone away. I'm still very dependent on others for many things. The boredom and the ability to not do things on my own or at all are getting to me. I feel like my life is so unstable with my job, Michael not working, this house being sold, and deciding to buy a house or wait out to see what happens to this house. My life seems to be crumbling little bits at a time. I'm trying my hardest to stay busy but i get tired easy, either pain or nauseated, and bored. I haven't really dealt much with a depressed state like this so i'm not sure what to even do with my self. I feel foolish for even crying over what seems like something i would normally stand tall to. Anyways enough about my ridiculous emotions. physically i'm doing better step by step. I'm going longer periods of time with out pain pills and slowly starting to do things for my self. I am so grateful Michael has been off work because i couldn't have done it without him. He really keeps me going and we still laugh at the moments we share every day. He truly keeps me focused and has given me great hope in these last two days. I have really enjoyed my time at home with the kids as well, before my injury I was working at least 50 hours a week so my time was limited with them. I am humbled by all that is going on and remind myself all this is happening for a reason.