Look at ME!

Along with all my feelings one of them is Look at Me, I can do It!

I feel on top of the world!  I couldn’t ask for anything more these days and i’m so grateful for my family!

I haven’t had anything given to me and have seemed to take the tough road to learn lessons.  From a young age I made some decisions that made my life a little tougher but made me who I am.  When I went to my first doctors appt when i found out i was pregnant at the age of 15.  I was told I wasn’t going to graduate high school.  Really,  I graduate with a 4.0 and two scholarships.  What kind of doctor are you to judge?

I didn’t believe i could make it into nursing school….Look who’s done and made a career for her self….Little ol me who wasn’t going to graduate high school.

The many doubts that are put in your head.  People telling you that you won’t be able to make it on your own…..I think the words were  maybe you can afford an apartment and a car…..Look at me!  I bought my family a BRAND new house in a great area!  It’s a buyers market.  (I got $14,000 in grants and an interest rate of 3.875 fixed 30 years on a brand new home!)

The feeling of not finding the Love of your life is heart wrenching and being told you won’t find it adds the dagger.  I started to doubt Love was really out there.  I learned from past relationships and hoped I could be that old couple walking in the grocery store holding hands with my husband of 50 years.  Knowing what i wanted in a person and striving to not stop looking until i found it was my goal.  I wanted it for me and Sid

That’s right…..Love is out there and i wish everyone could have it!  I couldn’t ask for a better man to be by my side and help raise my beautiful child.  He truly is my best friend and I want to share everything with him.  He is the most adorable, intelligent, and loving man who understands me! 

Feelings, Music, Life….

Thoughts and feelings flow when i listen to music.

I started to work with a feeling of invisibility still.  Thinking to myself why do people keep telling me how lucky I am.  I had gone through some stages of depression, anger, and frustration during my time off and could now relate to some of the emotions my patients go through.  Even though i had some of those feelings I still felt that nothing bad would happen to me so why are people telling me these things. 

Reality really hit when i returned to work……I work with many spinal cord injuries.  I was getting report from the previous nurse when she tells me my patient is a C-4 that is now a quad…..HHHmmmm.  Tears came to my eyes realizing my injury was 2 vertebras higher.  As i talk to my co-workers through the day they all greet me with a welcome.  But my patient was a little more confused when I shared my story.  He asked why is my injury different?  I didn’t have the answers for him…..What a first day back!  The feelings i felt for him are unexplainable…..I could have been like that.  How could i be so naive to what my injury could have been…..

Two days later a different patient with a C-3 injury, quad.  Still not believing I chalked it up to well they are older and un healthy.  I’m still golden and i’m in a different category.  The thoughts still creep in my head of why me and not them but they are pushed to the side and excuses are made.

This week the feelings have hit me with a ton of bricks.  I had a young patient around my age with a similar fracture that’s now a quadriplegic.  WOW  I’m awake now!  You got my attention.  This is something I need to learn from.  I thank God for everything I have and I’m blessed with still being a fully functioning woman! I’m lucky as they all were saying!  You really shouldn’t take your body for granted.   

Last update on the neck

I was anxiously awaiting my appt which was about a week away. I decide to call and reschedule a week early so instead of 6 weeks it really was going to be 5….oops. The doctor got me in and looked at my x-rays. He measured looked and looked…took my brace off looked at my neck and said ok Ashley what is it…I just want to go back to work. He smiled and educated me on how he would allow a 2-3 cm gap in my fracture. So yes my fracture was still there. As i look at the fracture i see it very clearly. oooohh well i still want to be out of this neck brace and go to work. I can do it! I told myself. At this time I was about off my meds and taking them only when i had a busy day which was rarely that i was in so much pain i needed them. The doctor asked what he needed in his letter to release me. He asked if he could put restrictions, i said nope. We are good….didn’t give him a chance to tell what those would have been. The excitement was going through my body……I’m going to work woo woo. ok Ashley he turns to me. you can go back Monday after you start therapy….oh ok your right i can’t turn my neck! The story is….. I still have my fracture and he says it may never heal. (Another appt in 4 weeks) Huh…ok off i went. I started work Tuesday with a potential to work a few days. Those few days turned into 32 hours…ooops! Well I made it but I am taking more meds to help with work pain and therapy pain. My brace is off and I’m running full speed. Well it’s apparent my work is a physical job. My therapist is wanting to work on the largest knots he has seen in a while which are in my neck and back. He has informed that this little neck of mine works along side with my back and that’s why my back is in pain as well. I’ve now worked for about 2 1/2 weeks. I don’t believe I Ashley look forward to working everyday!