Feelings, Music, Life….

Thoughts and feelings flow when i listen to music.

I started to work with a feeling of invisibility still.  Thinking to myself why do people keep telling me how lucky I am.  I had gone through some stages of depression, anger, and frustration during my time off and could now relate to some of the emotions my patients go through.  Even though i had some of those feelings I still felt that nothing bad would happen to me so why are people telling me these things. 

Reality really hit when i returned to work……I work with many spinal cord injuries.  I was getting report from the previous nurse when she tells me my patient is a C-4 that is now a quad…..HHHmmmm.  Tears came to my eyes realizing my injury was 2 vertebras higher.  As i talk to my co-workers through the day they all greet me with a welcome.  But my patient was a little more confused when I shared my story.  He asked why is my injury different?  I didn’t have the answers for him…..What a first day back!  The feelings i felt for him are unexplainable…..I could have been like that.  How could i be so naive to what my injury could have been…..

Two days later a different patient with a C-3 injury, quad.  Still not believing I chalked it up to well they are older and un healthy.  I’m still golden and i’m in a different category.  The thoughts still creep in my head of why me and not them but they are pushed to the side and excuses are made.

This week the feelings have hit me with a ton of bricks.  I had a young patient around my age with a similar fracture that’s now a quadriplegic.  WOW  I’m awake now!  You got my attention.  This is something I need to learn from.  I thank God for everything I have and I’m blessed with still being a fully functioning woman! I’m lucky as they all were saying!  You really shouldn’t take your body for granted.