Team Heseltine - 6 Balls & None: Grief

Team Heseltine - 6 Balls & None: Grief: "Anonymous"

Look at ME!

Along with all my feelings one of them is Look at Me, I can do It!

I feel on top of the world!  I couldn’t ask for anything more these days and i’m so grateful for my family!

I haven’t had anything given to me and have seemed to take the tough road to learn lessons.  From a young age I made some decisions that made my life a little tougher but made me who I am.  When I went to my first doctors appt when i found out i was pregnant at the age of 15.  I was told I wasn’t going to graduate high school.  Really,  I graduate with a 4.0 and two scholarships.  What kind of doctor are you to judge?

I didn’t believe i could make it into nursing school….Look who’s done and made a career for her self….Little ol me who wasn’t going to graduate high school.

The many doubts that are put in your head.  People telling you that you won’t be able to make it on your own…..I think the words were  maybe you can afford an apartment and a car…..Look at me!  I bought my family a BRAND new house in a great area!  It’s a buyers market.  (I got $14,000 in grants and an interest rate of 3.875 fixed 30 years on a brand new home!)

The feeling of not finding the Love of your life is heart wrenching and being told you won’t find it adds the dagger.  I started to doubt Love was really out there.  I learned from past relationships and hoped I could be that old couple walking in the grocery store holding hands with my husband of 50 years.  Knowing what i wanted in a person and striving to not stop looking until i found it was my goal.  I wanted it for me and Sid

That’s right…..Love is out there and i wish everyone could have it!  I couldn’t ask for a better man to be by my side and help raise my beautiful child.  He truly is my best friend and I want to share everything with him.  He is the most adorable, intelligent, and loving man who understands me! 

Feelings, Music, Life….

Thoughts and feelings flow when i listen to music.

I started to work with a feeling of invisibility still.  Thinking to myself why do people keep telling me how lucky I am.  I had gone through some stages of depression, anger, and frustration during my time off and could now relate to some of the emotions my patients go through.  Even though i had some of those feelings I still felt that nothing bad would happen to me so why are people telling me these things. 

Reality really hit when i returned to work……I work with many spinal cord injuries.  I was getting report from the previous nurse when she tells me my patient is a C-4 that is now a quad…..HHHmmmm.  Tears came to my eyes realizing my injury was 2 vertebras higher.  As i talk to my co-workers through the day they all greet me with a welcome.  But my patient was a little more confused when I shared my story.  He asked why is my injury different?  I didn’t have the answers for him…..What a first day back!  The feelings i felt for him are unexplainable…..I could have been like that.  How could i be so naive to what my injury could have been…..

Two days later a different patient with a C-3 injury, quad.  Still not believing I chalked it up to well they are older and un healthy.  I’m still golden and i’m in a different category.  The thoughts still creep in my head of why me and not them but they are pushed to the side and excuses are made.

This week the feelings have hit me with a ton of bricks.  I had a young patient around my age with a similar fracture that’s now a quadriplegic.  WOW  I’m awake now!  You got my attention.  This is something I need to learn from.  I thank God for everything I have and I’m blessed with still being a fully functioning woman! I’m lucky as they all were saying!  You really shouldn’t take your body for granted.   

Last update on the neck

I was anxiously awaiting my appt which was about a week away. I decide to call and reschedule a week early so instead of 6 weeks it really was going to be 5….oops. The doctor got me in and looked at my x-rays. He measured looked and looked…took my brace off looked at my neck and said ok Ashley what is it…I just want to go back to work. He smiled and educated me on how he would allow a 2-3 cm gap in my fracture. So yes my fracture was still there. As i look at the fracture i see it very clearly. oooohh well i still want to be out of this neck brace and go to work. I can do it! I told myself. At this time I was about off my meds and taking them only when i had a busy day which was rarely that i was in so much pain i needed them. The doctor asked what he needed in his letter to release me. He asked if he could put restrictions, i said nope. We are good….didn’t give him a chance to tell what those would have been. The excitement was going through my body……I’m going to work woo woo. ok Ashley he turns to me. you can go back Monday after you start therapy….oh ok your right i can’t turn my neck! The story is….. I still have my fracture and he says it may never heal. (Another appt in 4 weeks) Huh…ok off i went. I started work Tuesday with a potential to work a few days. Those few days turned into 32 hours…ooops! Well I made it but I am taking more meds to help with work pain and therapy pain. My brace is off and I’m running full speed. Well it’s apparent my work is a physical job. My therapist is wanting to work on the largest knots he has seen in a while which are in my neck and back. He has informed that this little neck of mine works along side with my back and that’s why my back is in pain as well. I’ve now worked for about 2 1/2 weeks. I don’t believe I Ashley look forward to working everyday!

Slippers

Michael rarely leaves me alone due to the first while i needed 24 hour care but I'm up and at em so he has left me a few time for a half hour to hour. Last night he went to dinner with his daughter who he hasn't seen in a while so he was gone for about 4 hours. I was doing great spending a wonderful mother daughter night with Sid. We were just about to end the night with her brushing her teeth and giving Michael a good night call. She was brushing and I went down stairs to grab a water before bed. I some how managed to fall down 4-5 stairs and land on hard on my behind. Sidney comes running around the corner with fear of mom are you ok? I gathered my self and was able to get up. Sidney is the cutest thing! First thing she does, calls Michael to tell on me! He's trained her well. I was having some tingling but it went away a short while after. Today my a** bone hurts and my neck is a little sore but we are going strong still.
I am wanting to get back to a normal work schedule and get my body use to all the walking i do at work. So me and Michael went to the gym today and i walked a whole mile! LOL Things are starting to get better. I'm not constantly sleeping and I'm able to go all day with out any sorts of pill concoctions. At night is my usual pill dosage when i need something for sleep and pain. I've even stopped taking the second dose in the middle of the night. I feel things are starting to improve health wise. House and other things are a little different situation. Any who...
Michael has been a wreck since my fall and has called just about everyone to tattle on me! So the story is don't wear slippers going down the stairs!

Doctor Update

I went to the doctor last Wednesday and he told me some good news that i didn't really want to hear. I don't have to have surgery but i get to wear this great neck brace for another 6 weeks. My questions to him were all about when can i go to work and when am i all healed like a normal person. He did release me to light duty which i haven't heard from my employer yet but i wasn't injured on the job so they have no obligation to do light duty for me. He took my brace off to see if i could turn my neck and i was unable to do so because of fear and pain. We left the office with an exact 6 week appt. I was down, but Michael asked me what i thought he was going to tell me. I wasn't sure maybe that i was miraculously healed and i could take my brace off and go to work! He's right i should be thankful i don't have to have surgery and that i am walking, breathing and alive. I guess i can handle another 6 weeks at which point he told me we would either take my brace off completely or slowly remove it. He said i will definitely need physical therapy. I have babied one side of my neck and so my x-rays show my neck curved.
I have my times where i am annoyed to hear people say that's good you don't have to have surgery and are so joyful. These people have no idea what it is like to be in this brace. I went from supporting my family working 50-60 hours a weeks to someone who couldn't even shower or turn over by them selves. I am not one to ask for help nor am i to rely on someone. I know i should be grateful which i am, just frustrated at times.
The weeks are counting down and I'm loving the time with my family. So i'm not sure what else i will have to write on my neck injury since it's now just a waiting healing game for a bit. I will count with you all until April 29th.

Down Days

When you have been ill in some way and you have been thrown off the normal track of life for such a period of time a depression sets in. The last two days have been very rough for me. I can't even explain all the feelings I'm going through right now. I physically and emotional have hit bottom. I now know what my patients go through when they just break out into tears for any ol reason. There becomes a time when things start to become stagnant. Michael has done his best at keeping me occupied but for some reason the last two days all i have done is just slept or listened to music and cried. The independence i once had and was very proud of has all gone away. I'm still very dependent on others for many things. The boredom and the ability to not do things on my own or at all are getting to me. I feel like my life is so unstable with my job, Michael not working, this house being sold, and deciding to buy a house or wait out to see what happens to this house. My life seems to be crumbling little bits at a time. I'm trying my hardest to stay busy but i get tired easy, either pain or nauseated, and bored. I haven't really dealt much with a depressed state like this so i'm not sure what to even do with my self. I feel foolish for even crying over what seems like something i would normally stand tall to. Anyways enough about my ridiculous emotions. physically i'm doing better step by step. I'm going longer periods of time with out pain pills and slowly starting to do things for my self. I am so grateful Michael has been off work because i couldn't have done it without him. He really keeps me going and we still laugh at the moments we share every day. He truly keeps me focused and has given me great hope in these last two days. I have really enjoyed my time at home with the kids as well, before my injury I was working at least 50 hours a week so my time was limited with them. I am humbled by all that is going on and remind myself all this is happening for a reason.

It's been a few days!

I'm actually a little more mobile these days and I can go in the car more. It has helped with the feeling of being cooped up and bored. The first long drive was to bountiful to my work which i got very sick in the car. BUT i didn't throw up. I now don't just lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I get up every day and walk carefully around and sit in the front room with everyone else. I do spend most of my time in my room due to the fact we have everything set up so that i can reach it all. I'm starting to be able to get up and down by myself on certain sides of the bed and chair. The left part of my neck is much weaker. Michael is able to get more things done and isn't running his tail off. He is still my drill sargent nurse who watches over me like a hawk. I look forward to march 17 everyday. I so badly want to go to work! I've been over doing it the last few days. So then in the morning i am so stiff i can't get out of bed. I am feeling so lucky to be alive and not paralyzed. But the irritation of not being able to do everything i want and getting so tired so easily is frustrating. Not only all the medical things going on but the irate things with this house is almost scarier. I know that this will make me stronger and my relationship with michael is even closer. i hope together we can make it through this struggle that we have been faced with. We have been in happy spirits and laugh at the simplest things every day. We are so appreciative to the family and friends who help do that.

When it rain it pours

Yesterday I get a text, yeah a text from my landlords asking if we could talk. I of course said yes because i have nothing on my agenda but lay in my bed. So she proceeds to tell me that they are losing the house and wants to know if we want to buy the house. WOW! You may know that i have been the provider in my family since about Oct when Michael's company decided to do some changes and his contract was up. He got a small package and has been home ever since. He has been the greatest house dad EVER! He does everything from cleaning, cooking, the grocery shopping, running the family errands and all! So i haven't minded working cause he has done a great job at home. NOW with my neck injury i'm not sure what we are going to do. This house issue couldn't have come at a worse time. We have some major choices and hard decisions to make. I haven 't really loved this house and was actually thinking i didn't want it but michael did remind me that you usually don't run out and buy your dream home. I start again, looking at the potential this house has and realized it could be possible to do some fun upgrades and then sale this house in a better market. THEN i could have my dream home. I have this problem of having ZERO patiences though. I have a lot on my mind as i lay in my bed! I wish i could go back to work!

Daily Trials

Sunday

Sunday was a little on the rough side. I slept for a lot of the day which really isn't rough but i got sick which is never fun. Think of it this way....Have u ever thrown up facing forward and not being able to look down at the toilet. Ya it doesn't work so well. So i ended my conversation on the telephone and promptly yelled for michael. He helped me off the couch and then looked at the situation of me standing by the toilet. I think he realized he would be the one cleaning it if i missed so he thought quickly and grabbed a bowel. Throwing up isn't so fun when your neck already hurts. I went back to bed and that was the extent of me going down stairs.
My aunt Karen visited which was nice to see a new face instead of the ceiling. She brought me some good ol fruit to help with the wonderful constipation issue. Man i've never been constipated and hope to not ever be again. I've been taking stool softeners like they are candy and that didn't do the trick either so yesterday while we were at the pharmacy we picked up some milk of mag. That stuff is amazingly chalky but just like the bottle says produces work in 30 mins to 6 hours. The rest of sunday was uneventful!

Monday 1 week after the accident
I got a little sleep do to the fact i have this new friend called valium. I slept like a champ until it was time for sid's report. I thought i could pull myself together enough to sit through a wild animal report that she has done so good on. So my wardrobe consists of things that don't go over my head. tube top or tank top? i found a matching sweat outfit (with a tank top under neath and a zip up jacket) and pulled my hair what i could reach back into a pony tail. Daily task such as brushing your teeth are challenges that sure make things interesting. I think michael got tired of wiping the sink off so he grabbed me a cup to spit in so it was a for sure hit. The neck collar guy came again and bought me the new style of the week. A miami J collar. That's right i'm sporting the new and improved hot shit on the block. It's silk instead of the rough foam. And for better immobilization the collar goes clear down to the middle of my chest. I now have a collection of collars if you would like to borrow one! Today the depression seems to be setting in. I feel very useless, depend on everyone to help me, and bored. I hate relying on someone to do everything.....sit me up, lay me down, shower me, food, pick up my tampon i dropped, u name it I need help with it. Michael expresses to me very well that he loves doing all these things for me and is happy that he gets to spend the time with me. Can't wait to get back to work and on my feet!

Snow accident cont

Tuesday

I woke that morning sore every where. I needed a shower badly. Michael planned every move and placed every towel with love. A simple task is nearly impossible by your self with a broken neck. He helped me every inch of the way. After i took a nap i had an appt with the nuero surgeon who would tell me what my future really would be like. Michael carefully gets me to the car and takes me to my appt. where the nuero surgeon gracefully tells me i will be in this collar a long time and that i'm lucky to be a live. He tells me he will see me in a month and then we will know how the healing went wether i can continue with my collar or have surgery. He sends me out the door with more drugs and says good luck. I continue to sleep for the next 24 hours.

Wednesday

The pain is much worse today. The neuro surgeon took me off the motrin which helped with the other aches i was having. I take my first trip down the stairs. I sit with sid and michael for a short while and do homework. Sidney brings me some flowers and a cute card before she goes to dance. Michale is by my side every minute helping with all my needs. He truly is a blessing to me. I thank God for giving him to me and allowing me to live through such an awful fall.

Thursday

I can't sleep at night and I ache all over. Michael is there every few hours with pills to give me and the lack of sleep is getting to him too. He is still so patient with me and gentle with every move. I move down stairs for most of the day and it drains me to absolute tired. I have some great friends Brandy and Trina come to visit and paint my nails and keep my mind off things. Pain pills make you constipated a new concept i haven't personally had to deal with. not something i wanted on my to do list. Deal with that tomorrow! I'm hoping i can get some sleep tonight cause i'm beat

Friday

Still no sleep! Michael is drained he is keeping up with me and sid like a champ. He is making sure i eat so i don't get a belly ache with my pills and doing a wild animal project with sid. he really is the best thing in this world. Michael helps me take a bath thinking that will help my muscle and maybe i can take a nap after. I'm scared of falling....Ice, stairs, wet floor..anything! I've never feared much in my life but falling is on the top of the list right now.

Saturday

I finally got some sleep. Michael broght me a handy benadryl last night. We have had many visitors and phone calls. Which have been very helpful. I've been in bed most of today working on the computer trying to figure out how to blog. I did take my first adventure out that i can remember really. It wasn't the funest but it was need, a trip to the pharmacy for more drugs. My mom came for a short visit today. I played a video game with michael and watched a little TV. Watching TV is even difficult. I'm ready for bed and michael will be by my side every 2-4 hours helping me turn and giving me what i need.

Snow accident

Monday

We were all so excited for another fun day in the snow!
Arriving at my dad's house in the afternoon he was there to unload the snowmobile,
I told him we would be fine just sledding if he could blow more tubes up for us.
He blew tubes up, made us a camp fire, and made sure we were cozy on the mountain side.
Me and the kids tested out the hill we normally ride. It was ok but we told Michael we should venture over to the largest hill.
He agreed after testing out our usual hill. We walked to the other side of the gravel pit.
On our long walk Michael asked if we want to stop at the shorter hill and I of course said nope going large, baby!
Once we were there we took a few pictures and then we sent Michael down first.
He went down making it look so easy. I adjusted my coat and told Michael I'm coming down!
He told me to hold on so i grabbed a hold and down i went.
I was going down at very high speed when my tube spun around so i was going backwards.
I sat forward to try and equal out the weight and the next thing i know i'm doing rolling across the ground.
Michael came over to see if i was ok and i told him just to let me lay there and i'll get up in a minute. I told him to yell up at the girls not to come down.
I began to spit blood out of my mouth. I had bit the side of my tongue.
I told Michael to help me up. I directed him in holding my head and counting to 3.
All i could do was scream. He put me back down and pack me a little bed in the snow.
He walked to the Hummer to see if he could drive it around the gate. He's not familiar with the area so he called my dad to come help. It seemed liked forever when dad showed up.
He rummaged around in his truck realizing things were a little more serious then he thought. I called for them just to get me up. So with both of them holding they tried once more. I cried in pain. It felt like my head was no longer attached to my body.
I haven't heard such fear in my father's voice when he commanded they lay me back down. He immediately dialed 911. All i could say to them was i refuse the damn ambulance. My dad instructed the operator to the approximate address and my age (which he got wrong but good try dad). He stated that i was a nurse and knew what to do. AH he's right, I am a nurse. My evaluation of my self is my neck is sore. I can move my legs and arms and i didn't loose conscious. Dad drove to the gated fence and waited for the first responders. While he waited he broke the gate open so they could drive through. Then it was a race to the finish line between dad and the first responder truck. They pulled up and started checking me over. Not to mention they were Honeyville's finest! My uncle Richie! Lord help me know. LOL. They did a quick assessment and then started putting on my neck brace. They wanted to put me on the backboard and i told them again i didn't want the ambulance. They helped me stand up which was very painful. I stood for a second and then the help me walk one step at a time to dad's truck. Each step in the snow hurt as i would sink down into the snow. It was a struggle climbing into dad's truck but i managed to sit as comfortable as possible.
As he climbed into the driver side he said "Ashley, I've got to go fast and jerky through here or we aren't getting out!" We made it out of the gravel pit and down the road we went to the ER. We hit a few rough spots in the road and all i could do was cry and scream. I could see the railroad tracks coming and dad said I'll turn around right now and get the back board....I yelled just go just go. And over the railroad tracks we went.
I don't think i've seen dad drive that fast ever. We arrive at the ER and dad wants to carry me in. I felt more comfortable slidding out of the truck and into a wheel chair. I role into the Brigham hospital (still fully dressed for snow fun) where i use to work for 3 years. I get the rath of 3 people asking why i didn't take the ambulance. These people are forgetting that is very expensive ride! They inform me that there are no beds but the nurse does an evaluation and the doctor orders a CT of my neck. The nurse wants to make sure i'm not pregnant so i now need to get a urine sample. Ok now i have about three layers of clothing on and i now need a urine sample, great. Michael helps pull off my snowboard boots and about a layer of clothing. I get my urine sample and then they take me to CT where i have to lay on a hard table which getting up and laying down isn't fun. She helps me back to a room in the ER. The doctor proceeds to tell me that in most situations the patient will have sore muscle so we'll send u home with muscle relaxers, pain pills, and motrin and also to remove the collar as soon as possible. He leaves the room and shortly enters again and with a straight face tells me-You have a broken neck! He tells me i will be transported to ogden regional by ambulance and do not remove the collar. And I can't refuse the ambulance this time. I realized this was much more serious! At that point i started to cry realizing I'm lucky to have my life. They put an IV in and finally gave me drugs. A few family and friends filtered in to say goodbye. I remember the fear on Sid's face and the tears start to roll. Michael reassured her and they all watched as i was loaded into the ambulance.
Arriving at ogden regional they had me on oxygen because the diluad sent me sats in the low 80's. The doctor the proceeded to give me more drugs and wanted to do more test. A MRI and an angio of the spinal cord and blood vessels around my break. While I was gone the doctor told my family i was very lucky for the fact that the normal C-2 break is either instant death which is why it's called the hang mans fracture or a quadriplegic. Once the MRI came back he told us the test came back all very positive and i had the choice to go home or stay the night. My choice of my own bed was taken so he sent prescriptions and lots of instructions home with us. Michael, dad, and linda got me home and settled. My loving Michael was up every 2-4 hours rolling me or giving me pills. He was the best nurse i could have asked for. He truly is the love of my life and i couldn't do it with out him.